My journey

Hello to you, and welcome.

I try to speak to you guys frankly & with no added fear, because you may or may not know, fear causes anxiety.

Before you read, I want you to now that anxiety and panic is no longer scary to me what so ever. Anxiety is a normal human function that I still experience and is not a problem any more. The problem is the fear of it and the real causes of anxiety.

All of the experiences I had were how I saw them then, without any of the knowledge of what I know now. Insight is the biggest gift you could have, I hope I am able to pass that gift on.

I find it helps people when I speak about my own anxiety experience journey, to get a sense of really “knowing” what anxiety and panic feels like, because, you could speak with doctor, nurse etc. and tell them how you feel, which is always a good first move to make because they can refer you to someone, and give you a health check up, but, I find that unless you leave with a sense that they really understood what is feels like, you still walk away with those fearful doubts. There’s always a but, and a sense that they don’t get it, the doubts become, “there’s no way they know it’s anxiety, this is something else, something terrible, something more” & the fear and anxiety continues. I have even to my surprise over the years heard many CBT Practitioners state that they did not know you could become afraid of anxiety.

I’ve never perceived that as a sign that they couldn’t help but that having that understanding of becoming afraid of many things, such as anxiety and panic and exiting it, is an absolute bonus when helping others and brings so much more knowledge to the table. All the people I have worked over the years with have noted that to be one of the most helpful and reassuring parts of our sessions.

My First Panic experience

So, my name is Emma, :) I was born in Barking in London. In around the year 1998 I was working in a bank in London. I had to get the district line underground every morning for about 15 stops. The train always stopped in the middle of the tunnel, it was something I was used to but something that was never pleasant. One morning, it stopped. The seconds passed……….., I remember noticing that we weren’t moving.

I began looking up and then suddenly noticing how many people were stuffed onto this carriage, it was the summer months. No air con. I began to focus on things like, I had no personal space at all, there was a few people holding to the bar above my head too, I was getting hotter, the area felt it was getting smaller. My eyes were darting around, and I was getting the sense that others were realising too and thinking the same as me.

All of a sudden I felt the fear, like it was in the air.

Very quickly I was very focused on the situation & fearful. I was thinking, we weren’t moving, we were stuck, we were hot, I felt I couldn’t breathe, my heart beat was racing, banging out of my chest, my thoughts racing and fearful, I wanted out and couldn’t. My body, inside had a rising of acute internal fear from the abdomen up, this is a fear I had never felt and one that was like the end of the world is now! The fear rose up with nowhere to go.

The thing is, I was on a train, I couldn’t run if I tried, I was looking at people, and they would never had guessed I was panicking inside but I believed they could tell. This added another layer of fear, “I look silly, I will cause this whole train to panic if I don’t keep it inside”.

Then we started to move, I felt everyone breathed a sigh of relief, I got to my stop and could not get off that train any quicker, I ran off and up the stairs to the main street. '“Thank god I am off” The train had probably stopped for less that 5 minutes but it felt like weeks and I realised that must have been panic.

After this experience I avoided packed trains, which often made me late, but I was OK with that. You see to me, I don’t think that I had an issue and I still don’t. Who wants to go and stand in a sardine tin for 30 mins + with 60 people on a train meant for 35. Be on an underground packed train in a tunnel with no light, in the middle of summer? I perceived that If I had panicked, to me, that was normal, I was normal, I still am. Ok, every now and then I’ll get on a packed train and speak to myself, “I know i’ll be OK but it’s not pleasant, try to keep your mind busy”.

This panic ended there.

My second panic experience

June 2001. I had just been abruptly sacked from a local job, they had been very insistent for me to take the job and then 2 months later were marching me off the property, consequently I took them to tribunal for unfair dismissal with no reason and won. However, the shock of being sacked for no reason was a lot of stress. Also, I had just flown back from a holiday/nightmare with my then boyfriend. I left 3 days into a 7 day stay because he was drunk from the moment we got there. Now when I say drunk I mean, falling down drunk but not sleeping, verbally abusive but never leaving you alone even at 4 am & never stopping drinking 24 hours a day. I cried for the three days, I felt trapped, alone, abused, in danger, silly to have been persuaded to go. I knew he had alcohol issues but I had no skills to know how to deal with it or what to do, even that I should/could leave.

This might make no sense to you but you see, I grew up around alcohol and was overwhelmed much like as I was as a child. I was also ill equipped to know what I could do. When you grow up you are learning from the family dynamic, from the others. I learnt that there’s nothing you can do, to accept and do not make things worse. In reality you unconsciously take those lessons with you until you become aware of what you are choosing for yourself.

When I flew home I weighed a stone lighter and was in shock. Within days he was calling me and with lots of begging I agreed to give us another go. He had promised it would change. I didn’t want to but it never occurred to me to put my feelings first. (I had been taught to do that. Now no-one said, “never put your feelings first” but you learn this another way, from your interactions with family growing up like. “stop being so sensitive you’ll upset them, make it worse”. p.s I don’t blame anyone, I love them ALL we were all trying to survive.) But that is what I learnt.

I think a week later, me and my then boyfriend were walking around a shopping center in Ilford, with a friend. I was looking for a birthday card and checking out the whole selection. I walked over to pick a card up and suddenly, felt as though I had just been hit over the head with a hammer, within seconds, my brain seemed to flip in my skull, I had blurred vision, felt my mind had gone out of body, my ears were ringing, my heart beat was pounding, I was shaking, feeling faint, I had the rising fear but this time it was like a very loud alarm had gone off in my senses and I had to go. I ran out of the shop and got as far as the window, I stood there felt I couldn’t breathe, like I was dying, but also going crazy and blind. My mind wasn’t working, the alarm was going on in my mind and body. From that moment, I never felt calm, ever! I caught the bus home and panicked the whole 30 minutes, ran home until I felt safe.

I then spent the next 6 months actively doing what I thought would help stop the feelings of anxiety and panic “avoiding” and its easy to understand why I did that. Panic was scary, the alarm was scary, & the symptoms can feel similar to other problems like, palpitations can have you thinking it’s a heart attack, or a fearful focus can have you believing you’re going mad, so I didn’t want to feel that anxiety. I wanted it to stop, so without knowing how, I began avoiding anything that I thought would bring me anxiety and panic.

Things I avoided

I felt I couldn’t go on public transport, then out of my house, then the stairs seemed scary, then my room, I gradually, eventually became scared to do anything, speak, breathe, think, sleep, eat. I also wouldn’t tell anyone anything, I thought they would send me away to an institute of nightmares. It was 24/7.

Then one morning I was in my room, hadn’t slept in ages, wasn’t hungry, couldn’t even focus on myself in the mirror. I decided there was nothing more fearful than what I was going though and I decided to see the doctor.

I found out I was experiencing panic, I was in need of Magnesium and got a referral to a CBT therapist. It was a massive first step to feeling better by speaking and telling another how I really felt. If I hadn’t of taken that step, I think that I would have continued to believe that anxiety was the enemy and I was stuck!

Getting an appointment is something I really advise that you do! The internet, social media, it cannot replace going to see a doctor, medical professional, coach etc having an honest chat and getting a check up because there are many simple reasons you could be experiencing anxiety type symptoms that could be causing you anxiety or worrying you and causing anxiety, that a blood test can pick up. It is also a massive first step to feeling better speaking and telling another how you feel. So please get on the phone and book an appointment. If you feel you do not click with your doctor, try not to stop you finding another.